Life has given me a huge change in direction recently. A change that has taken me through many different emotions, ranging from overjoyed to dreading the next 'adventure' in my life. A few weeks ago certain events transpired and information was discovered which resulted in my relationship status to be......single. This was my decision, and one that I really felt was necessary - despite the year and a half investment we both had made.
For the first week or so, straight up anger got me through. I didn't even allow myself to feel hurt or betrayed because I was so mad. Honestly, anger makes it so much easier to move on but unfortunately it doesn't last. Well I guess it could, but in order for me to still be me, I couldn't live with that anger inside of me. Finally I would start to feel little glimpses of sadness or hurt with the big question of WHY?! Even though I felt nothing towards him anymore, I still just could not wrap my mind around what happened. These questions of "Why?!" were not feelings of sadness that he was no longer in my life, but more because I could not understand how it had gotten to that point.
Quickly however, it became very evident that this change was a huge blessing in disguise instead of a tragedy. Was it really 'wasted time' to spend a year and a half getting to know someone and realizing that it wasn't right? No way. I learned a lot from our time together. I gained new friends and experienced new things with him and his family. His family taught me a lot by their instant acceptance and kindness towards me. I learned a lot about my own family dynamic and once again was reminded of how awesome they are and how much I love them. I figured more out about myself and what I want and need.
Even if it was a hard way to end, haven't I been praying and fasting for answers on where to go with our relationship ("should I stay or should I go")? Well I received my answer, and received it in a way that my Heavenly Father knew I would understand. For that, I am extremely grateful. More than grateful.
Things in life may not make sense now, or sometimes even ever. I do know though, that I have been able to gain perspective, have peace of mind, and feel good about whatever trial or blessing that has come into my life when I am actively trying to strengthen my testimony. When I read my scriptures or other church doctrine/literature, when I make it a conscious effort to pray throughout the day, when I look for ways to serve my family and those around me, when I go to church and engage my mind in what is being taught and when I just smile and be happy - I am able to handle whatever waves come my way.
I've tried to do it the opposite way. Where you deal with things that come, do what you can and trudge along. I'm a reasonable person; grounded and usually can figure out a good way through life. I tried it by myself, but couldn't do it alone. Then I turned back and figured out that I can't do it alone, nor do I want to. It seems like a lot of work to keep up on all the stuff I mentioned earlier, and if I think about all that I could or should be doing, it is more than overwhelming. But for me it is worth every sleepy prayer, or the 5 minutes to read a conference talk, or to do what ever I can. Sure I can make excuses that I don't have time to read my scriptures, but I know that's a lie. I know I am capable of more than excuses. So I'll do what I can, and try. When I look at what I've gone through the past few months, I KNOW that I would have never survived the way I have without the help of my best friend, my Heavenly Father. I have been blessed with certain people in my life who are also keeping in tune to what is important that have been answers to my small prayers and comforts in my life. I hope to do what they have done for me, to others that may need a little something that only I could give them. (Whoa how did I get on that tangent?)
ANYWAYS - I am strong and grateful for all that has happened to me in my life. I look forward to what the future holds for me and it's refreshing to start over. I'm looking into moving to a new place, I'm hitting up the singles ward like it's no ones bizness, and already have a date lined up for this weekend. (Thanks Kay!)
I decided to blog about this not because I wanted to bash on him (even though I'm sure that would make me feel better for a second), but to help me realize the major blessings that have already come from this, and the blessings that continue to come. The blessings are there in everything that we are going through, we just have to pray to have the eye to find them. I'm grateful for all the caring advice, comfort and support I have received from so many people. Now, I'm off to go start a new chapter in my book. :)